Trump seeks $20 billion from Congress as reparations to Jeffrey Dahmer's brother. "Hey. He was hungry. Not his fault."

[Miles Archer]

Washington DC - President Donald Trump demanded emergency funding of $20 billion as "reparations" for Jeffrey Dahmer's only surviving relative, his younger brother, David Dahmer (born 1966). David changed his name and chose to live in total anonymity to escape his brother's dark legacy.

"This is clearly a case of DDS," Trump said. He was referring to Dahmer Derangement Syndrome, a condition suffered by liberals who call Dahmer "The Milwaukee Monster" after it was revealed that he tortured, killed, and ate his victims.

"He was hungry, and the radical left lunatics think that made him a criminal. I'm having a button installed on the Resolute Desk so that I can have a Big Mac every time I press it. If I press it 10 times, they bring me 10 Big Macs. All for me. None for you."

The reported installation cost of the Resolute Desk Big Mac Button is $48 million. When asked about this inexplicably high cost, Trump replied "It's a gift to America. Only people with RDBMBDS ( "Resolute Desk Big Mac Button Derangement Syndrome" ) would object.

Trump also signed an executive order to declare June 19th....also "Juneteenth"...as Jeffrey Dahmer Remembrance Day. "He's suffered enough." When informed that Dahmer was killed in prison in 1994, Trump replied "OK, then. I've suffered enough. Now go get Rubio and tell him to send Ghislane Maxwell another puppy. She's suffered enough too. You're all morons. Fake news. You're all terrible people."

Ghislane Maxwell responded to reporters' queries with "YAY!"

This is a developing story. More details will follow as they happen.

[raccoon]

1. This is satire, right?

[GreenWave]

2. Seems very plausible to me,

[Miles Archer]

4. Yeah. I wrote it.

That doesn't mean it's not going to happen, though. Especially the part about the Big Mac button.

[no_hypocrisy]

7. While intended as satire, it has strains of credibility.

1. Reparations as a bribe, as I'm certain Brother Epstein has some evidence that is being held back in abeyance. Damaging evidence.

2. In Trump's "crusade" of DEI elimination, I can see him giving our tax dollars to a man to whom this country has done no harm, rather than the century-long pleas for reparations for slavery.

[Miles Archer]

12. Yes, for me, the best satire must include some touchstones to reality

Part of Trump's pathology is that he thinks in two terms:

1). "Ratings," and

2). There's no such thing as "bad publicity."

And moving Maxwell to a country club facility and giving her a puppy was guaranteed to anger a LOT of people, which actually served as a motivating factor for Trump. He loved the idea that this would anger and offend people and there was nothing they could do about it.

[WinstonSmith4740]

22. This is one of those things that makes this timeline so weird.

We all knew it was satire...at least most of us did. But everyone of us could imagine him doing something like this.

[Miles Archer]

25. That was the intention...thank you kindly.

It's another attempt to illustrate that while this guy may be out of his skull, he's really not complex or "indecipherable." Once you actually understand what makes him tick, the satire pretty much writes itself.

[paleotn]

19. Who can tell these days?

[magicarpet]

3. Our compassionate president hard at work.

Joe Biden never expressed this level of raw humanity and unquestioned love for our nation.

[Eugene]

5. link?

This is original satire, no?

[Miles Archer]

9. No link. I wrote it. n/t

[Lovie777]

6. Is this real?........................

shithole should pay him out of his own money, oh wait, it's the taxpayers.

[Miles Archer]

10. Not real, I wrote it, but I'll bet the Big Mac Button happens eventually. n/t

[Whyisthisstillclose]

8. It is sad that such a funny piece has to be so clearly labelled as satire because we are all so deep in horseshit that

nothing absurd is off the table.

[Miles Archer]

11. Yeah, I had reservations about writing it.

I still remember Andy Borowitz, in Trump's first term. He's had much smoother sailing in Trump's second term, but the first time around, much of what he wrote just landed flat. It was so "less outrageous" than things Trump was actually doing that it just wasn't funny, it didn't work as satire at all.

So all of these things...the ACTUAL "Diet Coke Button" on his desk, the ACTUAL puppy to Maxwell, the ACTUAL $1.7 billion slush fund he's demanding in order to "reward" the J-6 insurrectionists...all of that was "sticking in my craw," and that was the impetus for the piece I posted.

[Whyisthisstillclose]

13. Well, it is very well written and perfect in tone. So much of the satire lately is so desperately chasing the laugh that

it almost becomes satire of satire. Thanks for posting!

[niyad]

14. Very well done.

[ColoringFool]

15. To Be Clear As Satire, Maybe Add: "Thank you for your....

attention to this matter."

😇

[The Madcap]

16. Yeah, it needs a satire label.

But it very well could be true, especially the part about the Big Mac button.

Two desk buttons are a bad idea, though. He gets hungry after his 3AM tweets, and... ...especially if he presses it ten times.

[erronis]

17. Nah. If people can't realize its satire, perhaps they should be eaten.

KIDDING! THIS IS A JOKE!

[The Madcap]

18. I thought at first it might be the Onion or Borowitz.

I realized it was satire immediately.

Don't give T**** any ideas, though. Who knows what kind of "dining" might be in the Epstein files?

[erronis]

20. Good point. However if there's depravity to be had, he's already on it.

It's in the files!

Along with the Moscow pee tapes and the Israeli phone camera hacking.

[eppur_se_muova]

21. Haven't those puppies suffered enough ? nt

[3825-87867]

23. MIles. Any chance big compensation for

Hannibal Lecter?
After all:
"They go crazy when I say the late, great Hannibal Lecter. They say, 'Why would he mention Hannibal Lecter? He must be cognitively in trouble.' No. These are real stories. Hannibal Lecter from 'Silence of the Lamb,' is a lovely man. He wants to have you for dinner," he said.

The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man."

Maybe we could start a movement to get him his own "liberry" or statue or "Golden Arches?" and some well deserved compensation. Just sayin'

[Miles Archer]

26. I'm surprised he dropped that. I am assuming it was because it was no longer getting belly laughs.

Of course, he still runs with stuff that was D.O.A. years ago, but I haven't heard him tell Lecter "jokes" for a while.

[3825-87867]

24. Also, well written, believable but...

if you do this again, there's no guarantee a few of us won't come after you with Chianti and Fava Beans!