Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion

[milestogo]

Military Now Under Command Of Software Developer



Published: June 30, 2026
SATIRE


MIAMI—In an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the Pentagon for $800 billion. “After months of negotiating, I am thrilled to announce that the U.S. government has accepted our terms and agreed to sell us the Department of War,” said Palantir CEO Alex Karp, emphasizing that the landmark deal—which included the transfer of the agency’s classified intelligence data, top secret weapons programs, and over 2.9 million military and civilian employees—would serve as a significant driver of death and destruction for the company’s customers and shareholders alike.

“Although Palantir has always been a leader in the field of human suffering, we know our investors see a huge potential in adding the Pentagon’s ballistic missiles, directed energy weapons, and nuclear arsenal to our ever-expanding portfolio. As such, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth will move all six branches of the military to our Miami headquarters, where they will report to myself and Peter Thiel.” Palantir later confirmed that it had laid off every member of the U.S. armed forces after the acquisition created thousands of redundancies within the company’s civilian casualties and genocide divisions.

https://theonion.com/palantir-acquires-pentagon-for-800-billion/

[dweller]

1. It's almost

too true for satire


😱





✌🏻

[milestogo]

2. "civilian casualties and genocide divisions"

[FadedMullet]

10. Yeah, I was going to comment on that one too. Jeez. Probably known by some anonymous acronym.

[milestogo]

11. Genocide doesn't seem to be a war crime any more.

[riversedge]

3. Given the greedy, nitwits in charge of the Fed Gov, almost anything is believeable.

[valleyrogue]

4. Nobody should be giving Peter Thiel any ideas, especially those writing satire. n/t

[Bettie]

5. We live in a time

when this is as likely to be true as it is to be satire.

[Kid Berwyn]

6. Palantir didn't buy squat.

They stole, er, copied the Pentagon’s vital information.

[sakabatou]

7. Uh... that's The Onion

[tishaLA]

8. I happened to listen to last week's Main Justice podcast this morning...

and I learned that the Pentagon used Gronk at the beginning of the Iran fiasco to determine targets -- one of which was probably the school that ended up killing ~160 little girls. It's lunacy that we're turning over such big decisions to these freaks

[niyad]

9. Are we absolutely certain this is satire?