Spurious News: Trump issues fatwa against Neil Diamond!
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF (Spurious News Network) -- Beloved musical legend Neil Diamond had five truckloads of sandbags and a California Army National Guard infantry brigade combat team delivered to his home today after King Donald Trump threatened his life.
"The failed and highly unpopular singer Neil Diamond just released a song called America," wrote Trump on Truth Social. "This treasonous song makes immigration look like a good thing when everyone knows it is destroying America. I hereby order MAGA to enter his fancy and undeserved estate at (address redacted in this article but not in Trump's post) in the woke failing village of Beverly Hills, Commiefornia, to do what has to be done. Make sure you bring your best gun."
"Neil Diamond is a national treasure and hugely successful," said California governor Gavin Newsom. "That fat bastard Trump wants to kill this fine and generous man because he doesn't like a 46-year-old song he just found out about? That's not happening on my watch!"
Colonel Anthony Bangloy, commander of the California Army National Guard's 79th Infantry Brigade Combat Team, said, "Neil Diamond doesn't deserve this. I love that song! Everyone loves that song! It's the most patriotic song there is, and the 79th Infantry Brigade Combat Team will defend his right to sing it."
Neil Diamond posted on his social media channels, "I have just released a new song that expresses what we're all feeling right now. It's available for the next three weeks for free on all the major streaming platforms. I invite you to download it and learn the words." Within an hour the song had been downloaded 150 million times. According to Diamond's wife Katie McNeil Diamond, "the instant popularity of this song is just what our broken nation needed to heal."
The song is called "Fuck Donald Trump."