I, Vladimir Putin, Am Blowing Up Own Oil Refineries For Russian People's Amusement. Yes, That Is Ticket!

[Zorro]

Is not Ukrainian attacks! Do not say it is Ukrainian attacks!

Greetings, human-sized fleshy cysts of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and yes, I am here to once again make the speaking with you! It is busy summer here in Moscow. The sun is high, the birds are out, and we have been entertaining our people by setting city’s many glorious oil refineries on fire.

Yes, we set fires! Not drones from phony nation of Ukraine, no matter what decadent Western press reports. Was entirely Russia’s choice to blow up fuel supplies. Look at spectacular fires and smoke! Is beautiful in eerie way, da? Like Georgia O’Keefe painting, if Georgia O’Keefe had ever decided to paint refinery fires instead of vulvas.

But Vladimir, you are asking, are not Russian people upset they cannot find gas for their Western cars and their secondhand Ladas? Bah! Russian people are tough and hardy, like Russian bear. Not weak and cowering like Western people when gas gets expensive. Russians are perfectly happy to walk everywhere. They will walk from Gorky Park to the Kremlin. They will walk from Saint Basil’s Cathedral to the Bolshoi. They will walk from homes all the way to Siberian labor camps if they keep complaining.

Is very sad time in Moscow as well. Dear friend of Vladimir and hero of the Soviet Union ... ha ha ha, whoops, Mother Russia, sorry, grief has clouded Vladimir’s mind — dear friend Sergei Ivanov has died. Sergei was once Russian Defense Minister. Many people thought he might one day take over for me when I step down as president. Which is very funny! Vladimir step down? Would you ask hawk to stop soaring over magnificent Siberian taiga? You can try, but hawk does not care what you want.

I bring up dear friend Sergei only because there has been much speculation that he died falling out of window like so many Russians before him. Is not true! Perhaps you have not noticed, but Russian government instituted extensive safety campaign educating people about dangers of open windows. As you know, this is longtime, what is word, hobbyhorse of Vladimir’s. So many people falling needlessly to deaths from great heights while screaming in terror.

So we began program of window safety. Do not go near open windows, campaign warned, if you suffer from any of the following conditions: drunkenness, heart problems, vertigo, depression and suicidal thoughts, acrophobia, employment at independent media company, or presence on any list of enemies of Russian state. Was very effective! Next we will move on to not getting on planes with live grenades after almost pulling off coup of Russian president.

https://www.wonkette.com/p/i-vladimir-putin-am-blowing-up-own